@batkaren

[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.

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@DothTheDoth

Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.

@ShortSleeveSuit

ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir

BOSS: no, you’re just
terrible at this job

@Xoolun

When I was on the plane the stewardess asked, do you need some headphones?I said, Hell Yeah, but how did you know my name was Phones?

@50FirstTates

dog: the humans have food all the way up on the counter, that’s illegal

*calls in the SWAT team*

cat, wearing sunglasses and tactical gear: I’ll take it from here boys

@JermHimselfish

Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.

@Super_Cynthia

The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.

@TheIntComShow

Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?

Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna

@JediGigi

What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.

*drops acid*

Ok, go.

@DaddyJew

Daddy, what’s for dinner?

“did you have cereal for breakfast?”

No

“then cereal”

@brendohare

By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies