Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.
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ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir
BOSS: no, you’re just
terrible at this job
When I was on the plane the stewardess asked, do you need some headphones?I said, Hell Yeah, but how did you know my name was Phones?
dog: the humans have food all the way up on the counter, that’s illegal
*calls in the SWAT team*
cat, wearing sunglasses and tactical gear: I’ll take it from here boys
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?
Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna
What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.
Daddy, what’s for dinner?
“did you have cereal for breakfast?”
By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies