Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.
54% of IKEA purchases end in divorce.
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TEACHER: what’s ur first name?
TEACHER: and ur last?
TEACHER: class, this is Juan Derwall
ME: *strums guitar*
If you’re still undecided on a certain tattoo, try it out first on your baby.
Me: *standing naked in front of the doctor
Doctor: Ma’am, I just meant to take your socks off. I’m a podiatrist.
*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”
DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high
MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious
DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor
ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on
I had sex and all I got were these kids.
If you’re such a powerful warlock, why do you have diabetes.
A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.