My dog after a walk in the woods.
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After years of waiting, I finally walked face first into a sliding glass door at a party. And you know what? It’s a crowd pleaser.
Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how
The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!
A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.
He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.
*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!
Me: I’m telling you this place is haunted, I’ve seen ghosts in here!
Roommate: Listen, I’ve lived here for 285 years and I’ve never seen a ghost.
Why do people ask “what the hell were you thinking”? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it
Idea: “Celebrity Price Is Right” where Gwyneth Paltrow guesses that loaves of bread cost $460
Kids, do not try this at home!
For a hero, it’s pretty cool that Mario is just a dude who ignores his real job, does mushrooms and smashes his head into things all day.
I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex
Of course I get paid to be a mom. I do all the laundry and sometimes I find a dollar in a pocket and that’s mine now
New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/
wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔
Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster
Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]
[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]
[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]
[Everybody cuts foot loose]
how much my patient talks about their healthy choices
▶ 🔘──────── 00:05how much my patient talks about their single daughter
▶ 🔘──────── 74:36:15
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING
Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax
I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.