54% of IKEA purchases end in divorce.

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Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.


TEACHER: what’s ur first name?
ME: Juan
TEACHER: and ur last?
ME: Derwall
TEACHER: class, this is Juan Derwall
ME: *strums guitar*


If you’re still undecided on a certain tattoo, try it out first on your baby.


Me: *standing naked in front of the doctor

Doctor: Ma’am, I just meant to take your socks off. I’m a podiatrist.


DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high

MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious


DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor

ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on


If you’re such a powerful warlock, why do you have diabetes.


A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.