[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”
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My favorite way to tell the DJ their music sucks is just yelling at the speaker: “ALEXA NEXT” and then making harsh eye contact with them
As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?
This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.
If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.
The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
The ritual complete, the blood god stands before the cultist.
“I have summoned you forth to destroy my enemies”
BLOOD GOD: …
“what?”
BLOOD GOD: It just feels like every time you bring me out of the forbidden realm it’s cause you want something, and you never just want to see me
[Infomercial]
HOST: Wanna learn how to lose up to 15 pounds with one simple trick?!?
AUDIENCE: Yes!
HOST: Here’s how! *rips off his own arm*
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare
A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’
My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.*repeat daily in various scenarios*
My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.
Me: Do you like my novel?
Publisher: it’s a tree
Me: I told you it was in the early stages
How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?
vegan witches, happy halloween!
Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda
The orcas have been quiet, too quiet…
when u come home smelling like another dog
My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.
I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?
My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.