LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
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Me: I’d invite you in but my place is a mess
Friend: That’s OK. I don’t mind
M: The mess tho
F: Don’t be silly
M: I don’t want u in my house
Things I learned from media:
Sanders has won a bunch of states but must drop out
Rubio shows he’s a contender by losing nearly everywhere
OMG you guys!! I have abs
…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones
Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich
I’m not saying don’t trust the internet, but there’s an alarming discrepancy in the number of Ipads I’ve won & the number of Ipads I own.
I’m at my sexiest when I’m at a stoplight and a teenage boy is checking me out then suddenly realizes his horrific mistake.
“We need something strong and durable to protect cellphones from damage”
iPhone 8: What about Glass?
Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one
“If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, if I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave” – Me getting pulled over