58.
You Might Also Like
I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”
Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.
if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too
Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.
[God inventing pain]
God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.
Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?
God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not
I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.
My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.
Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.
Anti-gay preacher comes to Iceland. Locals buy all tickets to his event in Reykjavik, and then don’t turn up, leaving empty arena. Class.
How’s adulting going for me today u ask?
Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car
While using my phone as a flashlight.
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
old man watching me duck to get off a bus in tokyo laughed and said ‘you are too tall for this you are like a big carrot’
guess i’m a roast carrot now
Felt sad when I heard Taylor Swift is now with Tom Hiddleston.
Apparently, my subconscious thought I had a chance with Tom Hiddleston.
snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
You know who also didn’t have a Valentine? Jesus Christ. And he was dead by 33 so this isn’t looking great for any of us.
Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?
Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.
Friday night plans
*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac
Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!
Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*
[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
Wife: please don’t let our daughter dress herself anymore.
Me: oh. wow. ok.
Wife: what?
Me: nothing, it’s fine.
Wife: you dressed her this morning didn’t you?
*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing
“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”
Whenever I meet one of my 15 y/o’s bf’s, I always ask “Have you ever taken karate?”. “No sir”. “Well u fuckin better” !
Good parenting 101
I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.
I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.
estão todos miauvindo?
Pediatricians should write complementary prescriptions for parents so that when we inevitably wake up with the same thing as our child we can be more prepared.