@KentWGraham

59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.

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@SkinnerSteven

I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat

@MoistPork

Just once, I’d ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I’m driving, especially considering I’ve had 12 beers.

@cravin4

Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat

@chimneyspotter

DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]

@Jake_Vig

I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.

@LoveNLunchmeat

The beginning is all romance & flowers, but after about 10 yrs it’s mostly just checking each other’s backs for suspicious moles.

@xlpaws

I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.

@ibid78

“I see your bet and raise you all my hair since 6th grade. Oh and this pen.”
“Sir that’s not-
“You got a problem with pens?”