59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.
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Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..
The cool thing about fall is that you completely forget your windows are open when you start losing your shit.
Like, “Hey everyone. Please enjoy the sweet sound of dysfunction radiating from our humble abode.”
How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?
4: Mommy I’m sorry but you’re going to need to shower alone.
Me: Oh darn.
*30 seconds later*
4: I felt bad for you so I’ll sit right here while you shower
God: I’m calling this a horse
Angel: Wow you’re so clever, creating an animal that can pull carriages, transport goods, and can help plow the fields!
God *just wanted a chair that can run* thanks
Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.
Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.
Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.
Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me
The airline I’m traveling in just made an announcement that said all mobile phones, laptops and PAGERS should be switched off. If I own a pager in 2022, I won’t need an airplane to travel. I’ll just use my time machine.
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
cars have windows and can move. houses have windows and can’t move. so it’s not the windows that make the car go, it’s something else entirely
Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?
Calamarie Kondo: What
[at Victoria’s Secret]
*folding panties on table*
“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”
Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*
Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas
It’s an epidemic…
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
I’d grill your cheese.
~me, flirting
Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.
Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?
Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
The mall reopened today, but I don’t have any Bath & Body coupons so I’m not going.
*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*
I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes
Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.
Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”