59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.

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I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat


Just once, I’d ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I’m driving, especially considering I’ve had 12 beers.


Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat


DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]


I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.


The beginning is all romance & flowers, but after about 10 yrs it’s mostly just checking each other’s backs for suspicious moles.


I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.


“I see your bet and raise you all my hair since 6th grade. Oh and this pen.”
“Sir that’s not-
“You got a problem with pens?”