5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?
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My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
Strangers pay me a lot of money to give them advice but let me try and tell my teenager one single thing and it’s an automatic, “You don’t know anything.”
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.
A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do
It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”
[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?
Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.
Mechanic: For how long?
Me: Just until I’m done turning.
Mechanic:
Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too?
Me:If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?
#slapped
They say that sex is the best form of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to do much for that beer belly.
Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?
“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”
-my wife
20’s: I can’t remember where I left my keys
30’s: I can’t remember where I left my car
40’s: I can’t remember where I left my kids
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
The accuracy #BlowsMyMind
My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine
Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos
A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.
When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.
My 4yo may have misunderstood the fire safety information, but that hasn’t dampened his enthusiasm and now he’s walking round shouting “Stop Rock and Roll” like some 1980s puritanical parent.
Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.
DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU
*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.
things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton
Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”
Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.
Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.
*never gets laid again*