5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?

You Might Also Like


Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?

Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan


My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.


When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.

Worked a treat.

Got me twenty years.


[during sex]
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*


I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.


“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”


Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up


Wow my pants are really loose today

*skips to the nearest vending machine*