Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?
Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan
5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?
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Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.
When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.
Worked a treat.
Got me twenty years.
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*
I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.
“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”
Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up
Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*