5,”So we don’t get to open any presents today?”
Me, “No.”
5, “So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?”
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Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.
“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”
-my cat
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.
Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.
“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
Cop: My informant told me where the killer is
Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?
Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that
You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.
All frogs are automatically my friends, I’m sorry I just can’t imagine a situation where a frog is unworthy of my eternal devotion
Counting Crows in the 90s: “They took all the trees and put ’em in a tree museum and they charged the people a dollar and a half to see them.”
Me in 2023: “Wow that’s a good price.”
Haven’t done a pushup in years. Doesn’t seem right with what’s been going on in the world
I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture
If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”
I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.
Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.
[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]
“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”
AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!
30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!
40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!
constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.
* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts
Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.
JESUS: [walks on water]
JUDAS: Actually, the body is 60% water so it’s only 40% miracle
JESUS: You’re killing me, Judas
JUDAS: Actually..