5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”
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One of the funnier gadgets my parents have is an indoor/outdoor thermometer that shows a little cartoon guy in various outfits to correspond with the temperature outside because my parents can’t be bothered to do that weather/pants translation themselves
(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay
😂😂😂😂😆😆😆🤗🤗😂😂
My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.
Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
My family: u about to go to work???
Me in my work clothes:
[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*
“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”
me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth
*immediately takes 2nd bite*
You said clothes were 50% off
But not one woman in here is topless
That false advertising!
Well, at least tomorrow is Friday.
-Me having a bad Wednesday that’s about to get even worse.
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.
flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
detective: what happened?
librarian: a guy stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
detective: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
“Avocado Kedavra”
-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole
A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire
~ the guy in front of me, apparently
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
Autocarrot sucks!
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
*Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to “stay”
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
🐕🍷
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
Saw a guy with two sheathed machetes walking through a Winco once, like he thought he was gonna have to Mortal Kombat his way into getting a 24-pack of Orange Shasta
If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.