5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”

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[gently takes the Spider-Man franchise outside using a cup and piece of paper]
There you go, little buddy. You’re free now.


I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.


The girl that just walked by gave my dog a double take like she thought she might’ve gone to high school with him.


Kids want a dog, told em I can only keep 4 things alive, them & the plant. If we add a dog something will die & I cant be sure its the plant


One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.


Reasons I visit a TL:

1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know


I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19


Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?


[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.


That feeling when you kinda wanna end it all but you’re already in bed and your hara kiri sword is all the way across the room.