5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?
Me: After lunch time
5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now
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I don’t get marriage
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.
TORTURER: I’m gonna water-board you
ME: Haha sure, bet you haven’t even got enough water
TORTURER: *takes Tupperware out of the dishwasher*
ME: Shit
My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.
[a duel]
Him: Choose your weapons.
Me: Um…banjos.
Him: See? This is why everyone wants you dead.
listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth
A coworker started telling my kids a story with the sort of zeal you often see from people who don’t have kids of their own. It took less than 4 minutes of inquiries and interruptions for my son to completely break her spirit and bring storytime to a grinding halt. That’s my boy.
follow request on instagram. a tan and in shape man on a pool float. blocked.
I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.
Let’s not forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving, the day Jesus chased all the turkeys out of the Temple.
Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?
Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*
Also me: *I gotta pee*
I wanna congratulate Disney on outbidding me for Fox. I realize now that my offer, $13,000 and an IOU for $81-billion scrawled on a Arby’s bag in crayon, was unrealistic and whatnot.
“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”
“How are your resurrecting skills?”
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down~me, doing cardio
I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
I wear a 3-piece suit to bed in case someone breaks in & we have nothing to talk about. “Did you notice I’m wearing a suit?” “Yes”
“Emergency Defibrillator”
As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?
ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”
ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”
Me [double-clicking a word to select it]
Microsoft Word: are you trying to select this entire sentence?
Me: no, just the one word
Microsoft Word: ok are you trying to select the entire paragraph?
Me: no, just that word…
Microsoft Word: ok I’ll just delete this entire page
Gemma Correll
I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
“You’re on”
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
Pay up
We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.
“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”
I have many caverns
dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”
My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..
My grandma sailed on the Titanic.
She keeps trying to tell me what it was like but I say “Shut it Nana, I haven’t even seen the movie yet!”