5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”
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Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
If I had two brownies, I’d give you one
little corner off of one
Excitedly told everyone for Christmas I got the Bog Witch to remove the curse on our family and instead of being happy they’re just like, “what curse?” and “why do you keep angering bog witches??”
Like, who cares? None of our kids will be born with hooves now. Just say thank you.
police: DROP YOUR WEAPON
me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground
My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill
my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min
Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?
God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.
Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?
God:
Angel:
God: Get Noah on the line.
[restaurant]
date: you wanna split the bill?
me: don’t be silly!
date: oh wow thank you
me: for what?
I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.
It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.
If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.
I refuse to believe Marchioness of Cholmondeley is a legitimate title, and not just what would happen if I drank 5 glasses of wine and then tried to say Matthew Mcconaughey.
I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is
In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.
The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.
ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?
*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall
Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school
ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*
You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.
BABY WARDEN: ok lights out
BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark
[pitch black]
BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please just disregard the one earlier in which I claimed to have “definitely broken the world land speed record” by running very fast down the hill near my house. I have since looked it up and I accept that I underestimated the current record
Me: *sigh* I’ve had so many shellfish lovers
Doctor: You mean selfish?
[30 crabs come out of my pants]
Doctor: Haha here’s some cream
my boyfriend told me he would not love if I were a worm. Which wouldn’t bother me except for the fact that I didn’t ask
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.