@AristotlesNZ

5yo: Can we go get a turtle? They’re so cool!
Me: Whats so cool about turtles?
5yo: They can breath thru their butts!
Me: Grab your coat..

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@KoKeniSasquatch

Day 8 of quitting smoking: I have 376 gallons of blood to donate. Various types. None is mine.

@Sorrowscopes

Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.

@DannyDyer5

It always amuses me when I see tweets from people clearly using words they don’t understand, thus making themselves look aerodynamic.

@KissabiX

God: So the rattlesnake has one of the deadliest poisons… now what?

Angel: Put some maracas on its tail, so it’s permanently pissed off

@Marlebean

I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…

Like a playa

@sixthformpoet

If another day goes by without a Matthew, Mark, Luke and John forming a boyband called New Testament, I’m going to give up on everything.

@MommaUnfiltered

To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.

@XplodingUnicorn

My toddler took her toy phone and hit me in the head with it.

It was still less painful than a real phone call.