toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere
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hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack
Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.
People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
me: can i get some ketchup?
waiter: sir, this is a 3 michelin star restaurant
me: my apologies. may i please have some crème de tomato a la heinz
Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s
My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.
Remember that time when we got trapped on a ski-lift for 4 days, then the acid wore off and we were just sitting on my grandmas porch-swing.
My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!
That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed
Don’t mind me, I slept on the wrong side of the bed, spilled a ton of water on me trying to take a sip from the bottle, slipped on a plate which I forgot I left on the floor, and the most tragic of all, I accidentally put on men’s perfume
I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind
Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.
I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.
Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.
In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.
“It’s a funeral”, they said. “Wear black”, they said. “Who’s the idiot dressed as Zorro?”, they said
Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
Lmao
I’m all for legalizing pot, but for fucks sake oral sex is still illegal in 18 states. Let’s prioritize, people!