My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.
5yo: Dad! Dad! Wake up!
Me: What? What’s wrong?
5yo: You said last night you need to be up by 7..
Me: It’s 4am!
5yo: I can’t tell time..
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*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
Girl you must be a freezer, because I want to put a dead clown in you.
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H
Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint
I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.
ME: I want the car’s brake lines to rust
SCIENTIST: I’m listening
ME: [slides over envelope full of cash] But make it look like an oxidant
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
computer: re-enter password
computer: passwords do not match