@AristotlesNZ

5yo: Dad! Dad! Wake up!
Me: What? What’s wrong?
5yo: You said last night you need to be up by 7..
Me: It’s 4am!
5yo: I can’t tell time..

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@fourlocohen

*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.

@CelebrityChez

Girl you must be a freezer, because I want to put a dead clown in you.

@iwearaonesie

*lays head on homeless guys lap*

“You would not believe the day I had”

@jake_likes_naps

“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
“Ok”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
“Ok”
*clears throat*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H

@tastefactory

Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint

@realfunghi

I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.

@MatCro

ME: I want the car’s brake lines to rust

SCIENTIST: I’m listening

ME: [slides over envelope full of cash] But make it look like an oxidant

@SortaBad

The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle

@50FirstTates

computer: re-enter password

me: mysocks

computer: passwords do not match