me: lol you only hurt the ones you love
murderer: OMG shut up
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My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.
I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.
MY GIRLFRIEND: Did you see that?? Those fireworks made that skywriter hit that hot-air balloon!
ME: Oh my God! What kind of lunatic is responsible for this?? Oh hey, incidentally, will you marry me?
[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*
I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.
I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?
Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.
Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.
Keep it mysterious, ladies…
Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.
Him: Do you want your receipt?
My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.
[arguing w girlfriend]
Her: I feel like we have communication problems.
Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.
Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.
Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.
I work at Home Depot.
White guy: There is a man selling tamales out of the trunk of his car in the parking lot and disturbing costumers
Me: Thank you for that information
Me to tamale guy: Are you the guy selling tamales?
Tamale guy: yes
Me: I’ll take three
Hotel California reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Such a lovely place”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Plenty of room. Excellent check out”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Can’t leave”
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings
A groundhog taking the wheel
me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.
VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine
Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?
cow = cattle
farmer = cattler
rennet = catalyst
*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me
I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.