Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?
Sigh, women are so demanding..
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Walks you into the bedroom.
Stands you up straight against the wall.
*you notice the sign that says “You must be this tall to ride this guy”
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.
Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.
[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”
[shark tank]
“Hi, what’s your product idea?”
Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake
The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified
Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.
girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?
me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets
girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda
If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.
Onion rings.
What sounds do other vegetables make?
In order from least to most stressful:
– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why
God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.
How to really enjoy the rain:
1. Stand at the window (inside)
2. Put non-tea drinking hand on hip
3. Sip tea from mug
4. Say “look at that rain” or “it’s really coming down now”
5. Ask someone else if it’s raining where they are
6. Say the garden needs it
7. Eat all the biscuits
Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.
Happy birthday to all the women
Next time I’m at a restaurant, I’m going to do what my cat does and yell until someone covers the empty parts of my plate with more food.
If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad
Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
[1st day seal clubbing]
Me: OMG this is awful
Guy: [choking back tears] I know right?
Me: [feeding MDMA to a seal pup] There isn’t even a DJ
Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.
We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.
She looks at me with those come hither eyes & I’m over here frantically flipping thru a dictionary trying to figure out what “hither” means.
I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks
Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.