@copymama

5yo: Does everyone in the world have kids?
Me: No, some people decide they don’t want to have them.
5: I don’t want kids.
Me: Why not?
5: They’re a lot of work.
Me: Then why don’t you be less difficult for me?
5: Well, you decided to have kids.

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@MartaEffing

I hate when I’m cruising in my convertible, hair blowing in the wind, then realize I’m just sitting on my ride-on lawnmower. Drunk. Again.

@Home_Halfway

What if Rafiki was just holding Simba up to the light to make sure he wasn’t counterfeit

@iwearaonesie

wife: What would you do if one of the boys told you he was gay?
me [trying to find the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote

@TheAlexNevil

First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.

Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.

@ninatreemonkey

Equally cool alternatives to air guitar:

Air slap bass

Air harmonica

Silent pig auctions

Balloons hitting people

The letter Q

@dshack8

Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.

@Jake_Vig

Survival Tip:

If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.

@serenehavoc

Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.

@FeralFerrell

I miss when life was simple, and the worst thing that happened was your crush finding the notebook where you wrote your first name with their last name a couple dozen times, just to see what it might look like…