5yo: Does everyone in the world have kids?
Me: No, some people decide they don’t want to have them.
5: I don’t want kids.
Me: Why not?
5: They’re a lot of work.
Me: Then why don’t you be less difficult for me?
5: Well, you decided to have kids.
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2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs
Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?
[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”
How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
Probably my best painting.
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear
Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
me: it’s okay in my book
5: what book? can I see the book?
me: it’s hypothetical
5: what’s hypothetical mean?
me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…
You know when people wear 2 t-shirts at once and they look trendy and it looks really good on them well when I do it people are like “hey did you know you’re wearing two shirts”
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right
I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised
If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.
I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.
[first day as pilot]
Me (on intercom): if you look to your right you’ll see the Pacific Ocean. And to your left also the Pacific Ocean. Above you is the Pacific Ocean.
Game developer: his name is Donkey
Nintendo: nice
Developer: he’s a gorilla
Nintendo: ok twist
Developer: who wears a necktie
Nintendo: hm anything else? pants?
Developer: how would a gorilla put on pants?
Nintendo: right, yeah I wasn’t thinking
i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake
Week three of my new job, they’re all cunts.
There’s a weekly team call at 9am every Monday, what’s wrong with these people???
Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.
some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday
<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right
“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.
10,000 chores when all you need is a nap