[car dealership]
WIFE: let me do the talking, ur a terrible negotiator
SALESMAN: u can drive off with this car for 18k
ME: we’ll double that
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.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
M:*new pose*
[under breath] “damn this guys good”
Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.
“You drive, I’m tired.”
Business plan :
1. hold sign that says “free hugs”2. Whisper during the hug, “it’s $50 to let go”
Him: Want to play Trivial Pursuit?
Me: Sure. But I guarantee you’ll win. I’m not that smart.
Him: Want to play strip Trivial Pursuit?
Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”
Saw “45 mins” at the top of a food blog and at this point I just assume that’s how long it will take me to get to the actual recipe
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?
My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.
*presses wheelchair accessible button*
*rolls 5 year old in on dolly restrained like Hannibal Lector*
“We’re here for a haircut.”
My ex recently asked me if I wanted to be “Friends with Benefits” which is so psycho like dude I am a woman in her 30s, you can’t ask me something like that….I absolutely do not want new friends.
Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
*sees sharp scissors, hot glue guns, and simmering office rage*
Maybe team building with arts and crafts wasn’t such a great idea.
Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.
necessity is the mother of invention
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
Me – Okay well, put me down for bringing the flowers to the office party
Cw – oh no you don’t! We know you steal them from the cemetery
According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.
I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit
If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher
Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much
Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.
Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
One of the hardest things I’ve ever done as a parent is hold back crying laughter while telling my kid not to refer to Aquaman as Seaman.