@TheJoelWillis

5yo: I know what the middle finger means.
Me: What?
5yo: It’s bad.
Me: It’s alright. You can say it.
5yo: It means you want to fight god.

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@Babasnookie

Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it

@McJesse

That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.

@GimmeDemTxTacos

Thats right, I spelled potatoe with an e. If they can have eyes, what’s stopping them from having toes?

@AnOrangeSNES

Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label

WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY

“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”

@UncleDuke1969

Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.

@drunkNnaughty

I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.

@LorieGZ

Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.

@knot_eye

I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.

My Wife wasn’t.

She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.

Odd, we don’t own a dog.