5yo: I know what the middle finger means.
Me: What?
5yo: It’s bad.
Me: It’s alright. You can say it.
5yo: It means you want to fight god.
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I’m here to make a donation.
Nun: Blessings, the orphans could use…
*Shoving my kid at her- A brother? I’d like a receipt. For my taxes.
becoming “fast friends” with someone is fun, but let’s not forget fast enemies. you ever meet someone and immediately you’re just like oh yeah this person is my enemy now
With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.
*Pages stick together
My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”
Kids: We’re bored!
Me: Why don’t you go play Uno and then fight when someone loses?
Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
s
oc
i
a
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[bed]
ME: [with one foot poking out of the covers] Monsters could get me
ME: [pulling foot under covers] I am now completely safe
Y’all ready for this
[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs
I’m so hungry I could eat an apple
migraine |my-grain|
noun
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field
“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God
CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse
MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull
PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.
things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton
papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers
little cloud: *tinkling over desert*
papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!
When I was younger, I thought all the sexual acts were numbered and everyone just knew them, like 69.
So I would just say random numbers and act surprised when others didn’t know about it.
On Twitter, I still need to pretend I know what y’all talking about..
fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
May have had one breakfast too many
My wife ate a bowl of chili and a large coffee before our kids’ soccer game today, so I gave her the car keys and said “I hope you make it in the time”
Common sense: Walk away.
Me: No.
Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.
Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.
“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you
My son got his soccer ball stuck in our tree so I remedied the situation by getting 3 of my husband’s shoes stuck in the tree instead…
Teamwork makes the dreamwork
The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
“I don’t think Gay Guys should be able to get abortions”
-Me when someone asks me a question that I don’t know the answer to.