Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
5yo: I know what the middle finger means.
5yo: It’s bad.
Me: It’s alright. You can say it.
5yo: It means you want to fight god.
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That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
Thats right, I spelled potatoe with an e. If they can have eyes, what’s stopping them from having toes?
Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.
Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label
WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY
“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.
My Wife wasn’t.
She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.
Odd, we don’t own a dog.