5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
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MOM: putting him in sports was a bad idea
DAD: yup
ME (in right field wearing my cup on my face): hey coach look at me I’m Bane lol
If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.
Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!
my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving
Never date a commercial actor cause after you guys break up and you just wanna kick back and watch the tube you have to keep seeing them driving a Kia Sorrento or being really excited about dish soap
villagers: BURN THE WITCH
me: you’re the reason your dad left
witch: omg
villagers [lowering torches] damn dude
Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad
Me: I’m a solid eight
Friend: Wow. Out of ten?
Me: What lol god no
Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
Someone hire this dog for the next Oceans movie
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?
[1776]
America: We want the British out[1931]
Australia: We want the British out[1947]
India: We want the British out[2020]
Britain: We want the British out
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
11: Daddy, how long have we been friends for?
Me: That depends. How old are you?
11: I’m eleven.
Me: Then probably 4 or 5 years hahaha
11: See, jokes like that is why we’re no longer friends.
My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever
I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?
me: *turns around in swivel chair*
*tents fingers*
I guess you never expected to see ME again…
Boss: Must we do this every Monday?
16: If you could pick your own pronouns, what would they be?
Me: Well, I can and I choose cheesecake.
16: Cheesecake isn’t a pronoun.
Me: Yes, but everyone loves cheesecake.
16: Exactly, pick something else.
ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is
Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings