5yo: if superman & batman had a big fight, superman could throw him into space where he’d suffocate’. I’m raising a problem solver you guys.
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Mom made me take Millie to the prom. With her dark hair and big, brown eyes, I didn’t argue. Horseshoes can sure wreck a gymnasium floor.
remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*
There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos
My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.
Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.
coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name
what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.
Siri: Step over the dog.
There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.
A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
ME: [staring off into distance]
HER: what’s wrong?
M: nothing
H: talk to me
M: it’s just…that bus in Speed would’ve never made that jump
All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.
I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!
DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay but you’re still dying
ME: [hands him another $5 bill]
Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.
Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher
My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.
pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do
No one told me my life would become so much googling it
Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late
flight attendant: as u can see the captain has turned on the no murdering sign
[guy next to me is still murdering someone]
me: um excuse me
When you encounter others on a trail, offer a friendly “hello” or a nod. This helps create a friendly atmosphere. If you approach a trail user from behind, announce yourself in a friendly, calm tone. Yelling “that chipmunk stole my car keys, run for your lives” is not helpful.
Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.
AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.