My date thinks he’s gonna get me drunk, & then get in my pants.
The joke is on him, coz my tolerance is sky high & I’m wearing a skirt.
5yo: if superman & batman had a big fight, superman could throw him into space where he’d suffocate’. I’m raising a problem solver you guys.
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how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
Listen up, guys
Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose
I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.
Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.
If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.
My kids keep bugging me about dinner even after I told them I already ate…