@suzieQ0007

5yo: if superman & batman had a big fight, superman could throw him into space where he’d suffocate’. I’m raising a problem solver you guys.

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@MartaEffing

My date thinks he’s gonna get me drunk, & then get in my pants.

The joke is on him, coz my tolerance is sky high & I’m wearing a skirt.

@thholyghost

how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll

@sageboggs

Listen up, guys

Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose

@GamerPres2020

I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.

@AnniemuMary

Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.

@DiamondLou69

It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.

@Mom_Overboard

If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.

@TweeterRead

My kids keep bugging me about dinner even after I told them I already ate…