5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.
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LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit
I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…
[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?
*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*
“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”
“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man
The next time my middle schooler refuses to acknowledge me in public, I’m giving him a big hug and asking him when his last bowel movement was.
[meeting girlfriend’s dad]
Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips
Him: Dr, I have a PhD
Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips
Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?
Me: ok, but no tongue
My Cat Made Me Think She Didn’t Have Dinner Yet. I Never Thought I Could Fall For A Scam. My latest in The Cut.
A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET’S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women
You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!
My perfect woman has the brain of Marie Curie & the body of Marilyn Monroe. This obsession with extreme memorabilia is perhaps her only flaw
*turns on alarm*
Alarm: I have a headache
Ladies, never trust a dude with a fancy mustache. They’re just a top hat and a cape away from tying you to the train tracks or the conveyor belt of a giant lumber mill saw.
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it
I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
[in bed]
Me: got a costume from the Princess Leia slave scene
Him: omg yes
Me: *disappears to change*
*comes back dressed as Jabba the Hutt*
If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up
I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.
If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?
Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.
Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…
I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.
I GOT INTO HARVARD!! 😍🥳🥳🥳 they left a first-floor window unlocked and i’m just walking around in here!
Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?
My friend just brought me a coffee and I started crying bc it was such a sweet and small but genuine act of kindness and she was like “I’m your waitress, you literally just ordered this” and that is just classic her I love her so much