5yo: knock knock
Me:
5: Mom, knock KNOCK
Me:
5: I said KNOCK KNOCK!!
Me: Sorry, you know how I feel about answering the door, buddy.
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I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.
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Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
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Dog: [with a ball] throw this
Human: ok
Dog: but don’t take it out of my mouth
Human: what
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– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!
Me: A bird just flew in the building.
CW: That means someone’s gonna die!
Me: *grabs letter opener
Her:
Me: I don’t make the rules Karen
GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend
DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle?
BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I’m just a regular eagle actually
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
GOD: I gave you my son.
MAN: You mean your only son?
GOD (thinking about his other son who dropped out of a visual & performing arts program to travel and find himself): Yes.
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chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again
jesus: ok yes
And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?
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I passed with flying carpets.
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.
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•Being hit with a case.
•Being locked inside a case.
•Carrying a case for a long distance.
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