5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE’RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN’T WE DOING GOOD?
Me: [in bed] Yeah. You’re doing GREAT.
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If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.
Me: You’re so selfish!
Her: I’m selfless! I spent the last 4 weekends giving back to my community.
Me: Oh Please, that was court-ordered..
[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information
Everyone always jokes that women are obsessed with shoes but my female friends aren’t the ones posting 6 sneaker insta pics a week
Mom Math:
If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?
A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.
Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.
Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.
I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN
I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions
I don’t trust people who don’t wash their hands after burying a body in the yard.
Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
Growing out my freckles.
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
Plastic surgeon: You’re here about a nose job?
Me: Um…
PS: Oh sorry. Your eye bags then?
Me: My —
PS: Tummy tuck?
Me: (looking down)
PS: Breast augmentation?
Me: What’s wrong with my —
PS: <sigh> What brings you in today?
Me: (bursts into tears)
Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.
Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.
We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices
I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.
Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.
My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!
Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.
Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah
Me, when the vintage convertible nice Mr Megatron at the dealership sold me turns out to be two dead autobots welded together: “I can’t believe this deception! What a con!
… WAAAIT A MINUTE!”