her: I named my baby Susan
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE’RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN’T WE DOING GOOD?
Me: [in bed] Yeah. You’re doing GREAT.
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I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?
Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”
Me: Everything isn’t about you.
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
Dog: *spits out pill*
Please don’t cry
Seeing your tears makes me have to pee
How to impress your ex:
1. Get rich
2. Get more attractive
3. Get a tiger
4. Ride tiger everywhere in preparation for confrontation with ex
Trying to open a Capri Sun is the longest relationship I’ve had in 2015.