5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
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Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the shit out of each other for a $10 crockpot.
“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?
Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, is a crock of shit. If you get pregnant, pick up an STD, or contract covid, that shit will follow you everywhere.
I got ill after borrowing a colleague’s leather bag. The test results showed I’d picked up a satchelly transmitted disease.
Her: Tell me what you want
Me: A burrito
Her: No!! Tell me what you want in bed
Me: Oh! *gets in bed* a burrito
genie: you have three wishes
me: nightvision goggles
genie: dope
me: the only pair on the planet
genie: many people will be affected
me: now kill the sun
genie: dude
My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc
Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
So you think the sloth is the slowest land mammal in the world? Let me introduce you to my 4 year old when he needs to get ready for bed
Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.
This guy on GMA is thanking God b/c he survived 2 plane crashes. I’m pretty sure “God” is trying to kill him.
Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.
How school works:
In class: 2+2=4
Homework: 2+4+2=8
Exam: John had 4 apples.He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun’s mass.
Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee
*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
me: hello darkness my old friend
darkness: friend is a strong word
Hey y’all, I finally got a smart phone. I’m a big girl now!
Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?
If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.
GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
I’m pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg googled “what do humans enjoy?” and the first result was “Sweet Baby Ray’s” and he just stopped reading after that
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!
you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*
“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots
He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets
*eats 14th Oreo cookie*
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.