Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata
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how to have an accident 101
i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles
mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?
optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
[Christmas]
6:30—kids are excited
7:30—kids are playing
8:00—kids are fighting
9:00—kids are crying
9:15—wife is yelling
9:30—I am drinking
“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot
I want to be financially secure enough to pass up a dime lying in a parking lot. Like “I’ll leave that for someone who needs it”
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*
I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
While it’s true that gay marriage doesn’t nullify straight marriage, if Beyoncé was born on your birthday it’s not your birthday anymore.
A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment
I’m rubber, you’re glue. He’s scissors, she’s a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.
My good tweets are in my other pants.
[Bomb will explode in 26 seconds]
*googles “how to defuse a bomb”*
*clicks top result*
*it’s a 17-page slideshow.*
GODDAMMIT
*an ad plays*
*sharing a box of cereal with the cat*
Me: Frosted Lucky Charms
Cat: They’re magically deliciOH, uh MEOW
I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
The great thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
The worst thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
Daughter: dad, will you sign up for the fun run?
Me: I don’t understand your question. Those words don’t belong together.
[interview]
“Any special talents?”
I can unlock any fingerprint reader
“By hacking?”
[flashes back to hacking off victims’ fingers] Yes
[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
Mrs goat: I’m pregnant
Mr goat: You’re kidding
Mrs goat: Literally yes
Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.
I once saw a lady called Rachel Smith-Smith on Facebook and I asked her why she didn’t just leave it and save herself the trouble at the DMV and she blocked me
Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
Every Christmas I buy my niece and nephew something that has to be assembled, because watching my pissed off brother struggle to put it together is my Christmas.
Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.
Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.