@pro_worrier_

5yo: Mommy if I help pull weeds will you pay me a million dollars?
Me: No
5yo: How about 6 dollars
Me: Sure!

I got hustled.

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@theshamingofjay

Ugh, Amazon Prime takes two whole days for delivery. I wish there was a way I could buy things and get them immediately.

@fishbowel

Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?

Friend: we can do a mock interview

Me: ok

Friend: why should we hire you

Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu

@AnnaKendrick47

The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture

@rickygervais

The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.

@Marcmywords2

Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.

@meganamram

If you count a little kid on another kid’s shoulders under a trench coat as two people, then I have had TWO boyfriends

@brennadine

At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”