5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?

Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question

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“It’s a banana in my pocket”
“May I remind the defendant that he’s under oath?”
*averts eyes*
“I’m glad to see you”


Cop: You know your license’s expired?
Me: Didnt even know it was sick.
Cop: Haha!
Cop: Hehe..
Me: Eheh..
Cop: Step out of the car.


If the cup is only half full, I suggest you buy a smaller bra


I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.


I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.


People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer


If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.