@DadZZZasleep

5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?

Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question

You Might Also Like

@abbycohenwl

“It’s a banana in my pocket”
“May I remind the defendant that he’s under oath?”
*averts eyes*
“I’m glad to see you”

@AristotlesNZ

Cop: You know your license’s expired?
Me: Didnt even know it was sick.
Cop: Haha!
Me: HAHA!
Cop: Hehe..
Me: Eheh..
Cop: Step out of the car.

@AKenyanDude

If the cup is only half full, I suggest you buy a smaller bra

@HousewifeOfHell

I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.

@vikkaroni

I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.

@mattZillaaaa

People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer

@ParaComedian09

If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.