@writerPT

5yo: OMG I’M STARVING I NEED TO EAT I’M GONNA DIIIIIEE!!

*eats 3 fries*

5yo: Can I be done?

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@BigHeb7

I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.

@DaddyJew

[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]

Are you sure you’re ok?

@jwoodham

FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.

@Moldy_Jellybean

My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.

@realHamOnWry

Not to brag, but I never had to take a vow of celibacy. It just kinda happened naturally.

@Ideal_Victoria

Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.

Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*

@sock_holliday

Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT

@robfee

I don’t want a Hot Pocket. I’d rather have a pocket with a nice sense of humor & a pleasant personality.