#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.
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The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”
girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning
I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”
There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.
I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss
If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?
Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway.
Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident.
Me: I FLUSHED ALL MY DRUGS FOR THAT?!
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
movie idea: Dracula, but he’s allergic to blood, so he gets diarrhea a lot (movie loosely based on my relationship with dairy)
This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose
Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.
Oh no. My girlfriend sold her hair to buy me a pocket watch chain and I also bought myself a pocket watch chain.
What do you mean you come from a dysfunctional background?
“Well my mom is a compulsive hoar-“
*gasp*
“-der. Wait, what did you think I was going to say?”
Sorry, I get easily distracted
In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”
With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?
They said I couldn’t drink or operate machinery on my medication.
But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss’s car…
People think it’s funny when I tell them not to tickle me or I’ll pee. But they don’t laugh when the tickling has ended and the pee continues. “She’ll ruin all the furniture!” one cries. “Why is she still smiling?!” screams another.
Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.
You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body
That’s not a tweet.
Alcohol: Yes it is.
respect
CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces
Wife: I don’t meet these criteria
When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣
Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?
*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*
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