5yo: What happens when we die?
Me: People fight over your stuff
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How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.
Mario:
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscapeBe like Mario.
50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.
Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.No one suspects the “happy couple.”
Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
Want to talk trash? Recycle.
😂😂😂😂😂😂
Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.
Its a little cheesy but holding up a boom box outside her window and blasting the song “Cotton Eye Joe” will win her back everytime
JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.
Wife: what do you want to do for you birthday?
Me: not answer any more questions.
I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.
Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.
The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history
*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle
My daughter wants to know why I won’t peel and slice her apple and according to her “because I’m driving” is not a valid excuse.
I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.
I’m baking and got molasses on my hand. This is it. I’ll be stuck to something for good in 5 mins. This is how I will die.
Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.
[8 hours later]
Yeah, I’m def not buying this pillow.
Just ordered me some pizza!
Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.
The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm
I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive
Society: Just try to fit in.
Me:
When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”
time to go viral by writing an obvious thing in all caps a bunch of times.
repeat after me.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.
*Jan 1, 9 AM PST*
5: Can we play music in our room?
Me: Sure!
5: Any music?
Me: Whatever you want!
5: ALEXA! PLAY ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!
Me: Nooooooooooooo