when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me
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The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was:
Are U serious?
I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage
My Husband: Yeah, at some point
Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!
Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”
Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.
Stranger: so what do you do?
Me: I’m in seminary
S: seminary huh? so you can’t get married?
M: nah, I can’t get married bc of my personality
if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
I would like even faster food.
I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.
8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?
ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch
8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?
*launders Kohls cash*
Genie: *transforms me into a turtle* oh wait, did you say eternal life?
Me: *from inside shell* yeah no this is better
I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
Bruce Willis is watching Brokeback Mountain & shaking his head. “Silly Cowboy! Thats not a horse hahaha he’s trying to ride the man bwahaha”
[framing store]
SALESPERSON: how can I help you
ME: make it look like my wife did a murder
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
I want the confidence of my 3yo while taking a giant drink of straight lime juice after I’ve been yelling at her for 2 mins that she will not like it.
Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.
Mom: I heard Facebook is now called Metal.
Me: It’s Meta but, no, they-
Mom: My phone app still says Facebook.
Me: They didn’t-
Mom: Do I need a Metalbook app now.
Me: No, it’s META and you don-
Mom: I can’t find Metalbook on the app store.
Me [shaking fist at sky]: ZUCKERBERGGGG
Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.
Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.
me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists
wife: she’s three
me: I don’t care how many she is
[ interview ]
cable company: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you mean between 3 and 8 years from now?
cable company: when can you start
me: between monday and july
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”
folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah
me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed