5yo: Why is he crying?
Me: That’s a teardrop tattoo.
5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison?
M: What?
5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.

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pre-crashed car! already crashed. don’t have to worry about crashing it, car cannot crash. can’t drive it (no wheels) wheels fell of in crash. also just replaced the brakes, brakes work perfectly now


[First date]

“Ok. Don’t let her know you’re just 40 squirrels in human clothes”

“You said that out loud”


Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.


i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.


Imagine creating a lifetime of mystery for someone by breaking into their home and replacing all their family photos with pictures of eggs.


Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?

Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.


I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.


Me: Bless me Father for I have sinned.

Priest: How long since your last confession, my son?

Me: About 45 minutes.


Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.