@mrtruthandsoul

5yo: Why is he crying?
Me: That’s a teardrop tattoo.
5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison?
M: What?
5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.

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@billwurtz

pre-crashed car! already crashed. don’t have to worry about crashing it, car cannot crash. can’t drive it (no wheels) wheels fell of in crash. also just replaced the brakes, brakes work perfectly now

@Sickayduh

[First date]

“Ok. Don’t let her know you’re just 40 squirrels in human clothes”

“You said that out loud”

@tchrquotes

Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.

@bonesher

i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.

@CelebrityChez

Imagine creating a lifetime of mystery for someone by breaking into their home and replacing all their family photos with pictures of eggs.

@skickwriter

Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?

Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.

@JermHimselfish

I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.

@better_off_dad

Me: Bless me Father for I have sinned.

Priest: How long since your last confession, my son?

Me: About 45 minutes.

@junejuly12

Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.