This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
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ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.
Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.
I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.
Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, “YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD,” because I am a mature adult.
I was buying ice cream, Pop Tarts and mayonnaise. She had organic vegetables & Kombucha.
The check stand divider was mostly symbolic.
When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..
me *breaking the fourth wall*
architect: oh no
what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.
‘I just liked camping alone, you know?’
~Jason Voorhees, in therapy
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr
On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.
My daughter left for work & asked me to hide the last piece of her cake she made yesterday from her sister & her dad, but who’s going to hide it from me?
(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.
As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.
Now, I don’t even walk into the right room
Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”
When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already
Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.
the buddha: *on twitter* how dreadful. the karmic damage from this will greatly prolong your suffering in the cycle of rebirth
me: a lot of people are saying that
I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand
I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?
Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.