My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”
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True freaking story!
Movie idea: Family moves into haunted house; ghosts appear; family too busy staring at phones to notice; ghosts leave in disgust.
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.
Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it’s a good thing I was already in a doctor’s waiting room
Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*
*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
I’d rather be liked than loved. When you disappoint a girl who likes you, she’s less likely to make a pact with Lucifer to destroy your life
Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?
Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES
You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!
I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.
Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim
YOU DON’T KNOW
When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”
person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less
OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.
[Pulls away from kissing]
So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?
Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF
Students: but sir we can’t write that
Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”
I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?
lost boys: how’d the prank on captain hook go?
peter pan: oh you guys are gonna love this HAHA I cut off his hand LOL and i FED IT TO THE CROCODILE 🙂
lost boys:
peter pan: so funny
lost boys: you’re a sociopath
Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.
ANIMAL CROSSING: you pull out a fish you caught two minutes ago and everyone in town applauds you.
STARDEW VALLEY: you spend 19 days growing a carrot and give it to a woman who disdainfully says, “I don’t want this” yet still takes your carrot. The carrot costs 2,000 dollars.
Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.
Me: *takes off my clothes*
Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.
Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.