@EricaWhoToYou

[6 ½ hour car ride]

Me: I’m so sick of sitting I can’t sit anymore.

Also Me: *gets home and immediately sits on couch*

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@gruffybeard

Her: I need a living will.

Me: *wiping blood off knife* I’ve got a dead Steve. Close enough?

@tchrquotes

Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.

@rockymomax

[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby

@CruisinSoozan

Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?

@DaddyJew

Me: I thought I told you no more snacking

8: it’s an energy bar

Me: then why are there m&m’s on them?

8: duh…that’s where the energy comes from

@1Happytwit

HR said I’m not allowed to try to hang co-workers with an extension cord. Dunno what I’m supposed to use though, they wouldn’t tell me.

@rickygervais

The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.

@fiImsbi

stephen king’s mind:

what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?

@4SLars

I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.