[6 AM]
Child: [crying]
Me: WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My stomach hurts so badly.
Me: Okay you can stay home.[morning bus drives by]
Child: What’s for breakfast?
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coach: what are you doing???
me: you said do 50 singles
coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos
me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!
Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.
Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.
I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
“MEANWHILE IN MONTANA: A handful of cows found their way into a newly built home and lived in it for a month before being noticed.
The family was moving from Washington. The Aunt was supposed to be checking on the place, but she didn’t. A rancher had filed a report about missing
next time i open up to someone is during surgery
Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.
Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”
I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes
Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
The cashier told me to have a good Valentine’s Day like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
Me: Put on your seatbelt.
13: Do I have to?
Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield
13: cool
Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!
*Show and tell day*
Me: You know what to do?
Daughter: Wait until I’m asked, then yell “it’s loose, cover your mouths!”
Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That’s my girl
My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.
Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
Don’t fit in their boxes.
You’re not a cat.
This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.
I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
[Luxury hotel planning meeting]
Fluffy pillows?
Absolutely.Soft towels?
Definitely.Quality toilet paper?
Sandpaper is fine.
We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”
A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream
Me: Okay… Time for bed.
Brain: Cool.
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain: If you had a pterodactyl, would you name him Terry… or Perry??
As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here
A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.
She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.
She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.
It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.
Jesus: This is my body
Peter: That’s bread
Jesus: It’s a metaphor dude
Peter: Oh so you’ve been talking in metaphor
Jesus: Sometimes I am Sometimes I’m being literal
Peter: How will we know the difference?
Jesus: It’s easy. If you get something wrong you just go to hell
Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.
JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.
GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.