@reallifemommy3

6: Can I have a baby sister?

Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.

6: Then can I have a turtle?

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@silent_musings

Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper

@TravLeBlanc

I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.

@better_off_dad

*Do you wish to send?
*Are you sure?
*For real?
*Have you been drinking?
*Really?
*What time is it?

~How my send button should function

@bridger_w

If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die

@Bratterina

My neighbors are fighting so I’m playing sad love songs really loud for them to set the tone, everyone deserves background music.

@drewjanda

Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it’s not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty

@clichedout

interviewer: why do u want this job

me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent

@Chumpstring

BARTENDER: taste this beer
ME: [tastes it] omg i literally can’t even
BARTENDER: it has pumpkin spice in it
ME: hmm… yeah that explains it

@KittyShittyy

*deletes fb account*
*leaves social media*
*goes to Himalayas*
*pigeon comes with a note*
*opens note*
*candy crush request*
*dies*

@ClichedOut

[about to post]
Social Media Police: Is it reliable
Me: Yes
SMP: Source?
M: I heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend
SMP: Proceed