Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper
6: Can I have a baby sister?
Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.
6: Then can I have a turtle?
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I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.
*Do you wish to send?
*Are you sure?
*Have you been drinking?
*What time is it?
~How my send button should function
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
My neighbors are fighting so I’m playing sad love songs really loud for them to set the tone, everyone deserves background music.
Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it’s not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent
BARTENDER: taste this beer
ME: [tastes it] omg i literally can’t even
BARTENDER: it has pumpkin spice in it
ME: hmm… yeah that explains it
*deletes fb account*
*leaves social media*
*goes to Himalayas*
*pigeon comes with a note*
*candy crush request*
[about to post]
Social Media Police: Is it reliable
M: I heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend