6: Can I have a baby sister?
Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.
6: Then can I have a turtle?
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Me: *making table side guacamole*
Priest: Please get off the altar
I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.
Girlfriend, catching my gaze: What are you thinking?
Me [still furiously trying to work out why the frog in Frogger dies when it goes in water, and why the Flintstones celebrated Christmas]: Just how right everything feels when I’m with you.
If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.
The right person will know this subtweet is about them.
GIVE ME FUEL GIVE ME FIRE GIVE ME MILK THAT’S NOT EXPIRED
We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy
GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro
Dear guy backing into that tiny parking space.
You’re not Jason Bourne. You don’t need a rapid egress contingency plan for Costco.
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:
i am home.
if you knockand the book is $49.99
Instead of saying a package is Family Size, it’d be more helpful if it listed a time frame, like 3 Hours Worth of Cookies.
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
My type is 12 pt Helvetica.
[blind date]
HER: I love sports!
ME: Uh…me too
HER: Have you ever played tennis on grass
ME: No, but I once went bowling on crystal meth
This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.
My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.
*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*
Me: This salsa is spicy
Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.
[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!
Men grow their beards and everyone is all ‘oh look at them don’t they look rugged and handsome’
I grow mine one time and…
I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.
My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.
My kid comes into our room every night to sleep and he usually brings a comfort toy with him. Tonight he chose to bring a harmonica. I am losing my mind.
The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.