Me: My friend really likes you.
Her: I’m a lesbian.
Me: Ah ok…
Me: So… What part of Lesbia are you from?
6: can u get me a drink?
Me: no, you’re 6yo. You can get your own drink
6: fine *goes to fridge
Me: while ur there can u grab me a beer?
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Bought 17 a fanny pack for back to school to delay my becoming a grandfather too early.
please stop calling that oatmeal raisin thing a cookie. it’s a round granola bar.
IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER
14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘
14: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
I sexually identify as single
Black Friday through the years:
2013: Thursday 8pm
2020: 4th of July
Me: Here you go.
Me: It’s the genital mold you wanted.
Her: I said gelatin mold!
Me: *waddles away with pants around ankles*
Autocorrect changed smell to spell but you know what? Your spelling is horrible too.
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today