Tear gas is the saddest gas.
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4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
*runs away*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*
My brain considers names irrelevant information.
Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”
adding to the discourse
My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo
{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.
WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale.
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*
“Welcome, teachers & parents, to our community school assembly”
*gestures to 237 IKEA boxes*
“Let’s begin! Who’s got the Allen wrench?”
A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
My kids are trying to decide what sign they want to put on their new bedroom door, and so far they’ve narrowed it down to:
boys only
boys rule
no girls except at bedtime
sometimes girls
Them: “can you just be cool for like once, maybe?”
Me: *whips a kazoo out from my pocket protector* “say no more my friend… say no more”
My lack of pants is nobody’s business.
[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first
Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
Ghost haunting my house: Okay, I’m just going to clean up your TINY, SHITTY, Apartment while you’re gone because I can’t not-live like this!
My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!
Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.
MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?
ME: not if i want to live
Date: So what do you do for fun?
Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.
Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.
*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.
A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.
Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.
Her: DEAD LIONS!?!
I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.
My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
Am I annoying yet? How about now? Now? Now? Now? How about now? Now? Now? Now? Maybe now? Now? Now? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow?