@DaddyJew

6: can u get me a drink?

Me: no, you’re 6yo. You can get your own drink

6: fine *goes to fridge

Me: while ur there can u grab me a beer?

You Might Also Like

@AristotlesNZ

Me: My friend really likes you.
Her: I’m a lesbian.
Me: Ah ok…
Her: …
Me: …
Her: …
Me: So… What part of Lesbia are you from?

@kelownagoose

Bought 17 a fanny pack for back to school to delay my becoming a grandfather too early.

@Kauaibride

please stop calling that oatmeal raisin thing a cookie. it’s a round granola bar.

@nachosarah

IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER

@better_off_dad2

14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’

Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘

14: ‘It’s back.’

Me: ‘Good talk.’

@bestvibess

Black Friday through the years:

2005: 5am
2010: 3am
2012: 12am
2013: Thursday 8pm
2014: Thursday
2020: 4th of July

@iAmDelFreaky

Me: Here you go.

Her: WTF?

Me: It’s the genital mold you wanted.

Her: I said gelatin mold!

Me: *waddles away with pants around ankles*

@LoneWolfStories

Autocorrect changed smell to spell but you know what? Your spelling is horrible too.

@Playing_Dad

Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today