6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*
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Just noticed there’s no comma in “Bed Bath & Beyond” and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.
ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.
Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.
20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible
The way I see it, you have 2 choices: you can go with the grain, you can go against the grain, or you can go across the grain. 3. You have 3 (three) choices.
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.
I forgot to pack my perfume, but happened upon some air freshener. Judging by the compliments I’ve gotten, I’m wearing Air Wick from now on.
I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.
When can we start naming hurricanes after food items?
…and in recent news hurricane chicken and dumplings is forming near Bermuda
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
Me: what do want for your birthday
Friend: just a gift card or some shit
Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it
SPIN INSTRUCTOR: you can do this, you just have to want it
ME, NOT EATING ICE CREAM SANDWICHES IN BED: neat. what’s another way?
My 4yo has been wrapping up his toys in newspaper and giving them to me as gifts all morning.
Really wishing right now I had bought him better shit.
ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.
shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch
why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free
Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.
Told her not to worry, someone else will.
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
how do lawyers not cry when arguing
[NASCAR Press Conference]
REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?
DRIVER: Fast circles
Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.
All right stop, coagulate and thicken
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here
it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?