Good cop: where’s the body?
Bad cop: answer him!
Jenga cop: God damn it!
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if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.
Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.
3yo: “I don’t like bacon I don’t like eggs I don’t like food I don’t like playing with you I don’t like this house I don’t like anything at all”
Me: “then what DO you like?”
3yo: “I like to go poopy.”
me: *doing donuts*
instructor: what the hell?!
me: i thought i saw a cop
This morning I waved to the garbage men and smiled at coworkers in the elevator and now I’m pretty sure my wife is drugging my coffee.
this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”
I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!
My dream girl? Dirty blond hair, strong arms, cold eyes, immaculately shaped facial hair, no remorse
-Are you describing Chuck Norris?
Me: Where did you find that orange sex pillow?
Play date host: That’s a gymnastics wedge. It’s for gymnastics. For my kids. Why would I keep a sex pillow in my living room at a play date?
Me: Where did you find that gymnastics wedge?