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Good cop: where’s the body?
Bad cop: answer him!
*pounds table*
Jenga cop: God damn it!


if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.


Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.


3yo: โ€œI donโ€™t like bacon I donโ€™t like eggs I donโ€™t like food I donโ€™t like playing with you I donโ€™t like this house I donโ€™t like anything at allโ€

Me: โ€œthen what DO you like?โ€

3yo: โ€œI like to go poopy.โ€


[driving test]
me: *doing donuts*
instructor: what the hell?!
me: i thought i saw a cop


This morning I waved to the garbage men and smiled at coworkers in the elevator and now I’m pretty sure my wife is drugging my coffee.


this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”


My dream girl? Dirty blond hair, strong arms, cold eyes, immaculately shaped facial hair, no remorse

-Are you describing Chuck Norris?



Me: Where did you find that orange sex pillow?

Play date host: That’s a gymnastics wedge. It’s for gymnastics. For my kids. Why would I keep a sex pillow in my living room at a play date?



Me: Where did you find that gymnastics wedge?