@Snow_Blacck

6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥

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@ChrisEdCaruso

Good cop: where’s the body?
Bad cop: answer him!
*pounds table*
Jenga cop: God damn it!

@jinkee

if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.

@SentenceReduced

Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.

@crapitscori

3yo: โ€œI donโ€™t like bacon I donโ€™t like eggs I donโ€™t like food I donโ€™t like playing with you I donโ€™t like this house I donโ€™t like anything at allโ€

Me: โ€œthen what DO you like?โ€

3yo: โ€œI like to go poopy.โ€

@girlnarly

[driving test]
me: *doing donuts*
instructor: what the hell?!
me: i thought i saw a cop

@moose_chocolate

This morning I waved to the garbage men and smiled at coworkers in the elevator and now I’m pretty sure my wife is drugging my coffee.

@Kristen_Arnett

this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”

@caperbc75

My dream girl? Dirty blond hair, strong arms, cold eyes, immaculately shaped facial hair, no remorse

-Are you describing Chuck Norris?

Yes

@lmegordon

Me: Where did you find that orange sex pillow?

Play date host: That’s a gymnastics wedge. It’s for gymnastics. For my kids. Why would I keep a sex pillow in my living room at a play date?

Me:

Host:

Me: Where did you find that gymnastics wedge?