@Snow_Blacck
@ChrisEdCaruso
Good cop: where’s the body?
Bad cop: answer him!
*pounds table*
Jenga cop: God damn it!
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@ChrisEdCaruso
@jinkee
if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.
@SentenceReduced
Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.
@crapitscori
3yo: โI donโt like bacon I donโt like eggs I donโt like food I donโt like playing with you I donโt like this house I donโt like anything at allโ
Me: โthen what DO you like?โ
3yo: โI like to go poopy.โ
@girlnarly
[driving test]
me: *doing donuts*
instructor: what the hell?!
me: i thought i saw a cop
@moose_chocolate
This morning I waved to the garbage men and smiled at coworkers in the elevator and now I’m pretty sure my wife is drugging my coffee.
@Kristen_Arnett
this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”
@timdonakowski
I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!
@caperbc75
My dream girl? Dirty blond hair, strong arms, cold eyes, immaculately shaped facial hair, no remorse
-Are you describing Chuck Norris?
Yes
@lmegordon
Me: Where did you find that orange sex pillow?
Play date host: That’s a gymnastics wedge. It’s for gymnastics. For my kids. Why would I keep a sex pillow in my living room at a play date?
Me:
Host:
Me: Where did you find that gymnastics wedge?