$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.

They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.

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Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.


I should really stop getting stoned before I shower. I think I just washed my hair 16 times.


Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.


God (inventing humans): hey someone throw a rock at the lizards i have a worse idea


Come close…


Look deeply into my eyes and tell me what you see…

Is it an eyelash? Seriously, help me out, it’s killing me.


Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.


How to lose weight:

1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall