$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.
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I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before
In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this
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ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL
OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.
Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
[Petco]
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real fish person.
ME: Like a mermaid?
INTERVIEWER:
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.
Car Salesman: We’ll give you $3,500 on the trade in…
Me: $3,800
Salesman: …but I’m going by Blue Book…
Me: Yeah but there’s at least $300 dollars in change trapped between the seats.
Salesman:
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
My 7yo: Mom, were you alive in the one-thousands?
Me: What?
7yo: The ONE-THOUSANDS
Me: *dawning realization* Yes…..yes I was born in the one-thousands. In the 1980’s.
7yo: WHOA 🤯
My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.
Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise
What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?
How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha
She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.
no i don’t want to allow notifications from your online publication. no one HAS ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication and no one WILL ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication. weirdass
5: I cleaned my room.
Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.
5: No. Next time you can do it.
I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly
911 what’s your emergency?
Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me
911: How is that an emergency?
Me: It’s attached to her gun
If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process
Daughter: I want some of your coffee!!!
Me: Not if you ask like that! Grumpy girls don’t get coffee.
Husband: *from the other room* OH, is that so!?
My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.
People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
friend: why do u look sad
me: I have wrongdog
friend: what’s wrongdog
me: *big breath in*
Every relationship needs boundaries…
….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.