Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
*6 holding a 5 hour energy*
“Look at this teeny juice! It didn’t taste good at first but I finished it!”
Go ahead, have kids.
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Me: [doing crossword] root veggie; 4 letters
Me: French she; 4 letters
Me: orange drink; 5 letters
Me: bumble; 3 letters
Me: speak; 4 letters
Me: OJ Simpson; 5 letters
Me: bug; 6 l-
Wife: oh hell no.
Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.
5: You guys picked me and 3 as your kids because we’re so good. You could have picked the bad kids that other parents chose.
Me to H: [whispers] Should we tell her that if we could have picked we would have chosen better kids than her and 3?
Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!
ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?