@Parkerlawyer

*6 holding a 5 hour energy*

“Look at this teeny juice! It didn’t taste good at first but I finished it!”

Go ahead, have kids.

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@NewDadNotes

Me: [doing crossword] root veggie; 4 letters

Wife: beet

Me: French she; 4 letters

Wife: elle

Me: orange drink; 5 letters

Wife: juice

Me: bumble; 3 letters

Wife: bee

Me: speak; 4 letters

Wife: tell

Me: OJ Simpson; 5 letters

Wife: Juice

Me: bug; 6 l-

Wife: oh hell no.

@barryjohnharper

Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.

@LizerReal

5: You guys picked me and 3 as your kids because we’re so good. You could have picked the bad kids that other parents chose.

Me to H: [whispers] Should we tell her that if we could have picked we would have chosen better kids than her and 3?

@Darlainky

Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!

@bea_ker

“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”

@BuckyIsotope

SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me

@FU_TangClan

Me: I need to get something off my chest

My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME

@JimmerThatisAll

“I’ve said too much already.“

“All you did was blink.”

“Yeah, but twice.”

@TheAndrewNadeau

ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!

ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?