*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”
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Every restaurant that opens around my town is like “come on by for amazing food, our hours are Wednesday to Thursday, 1pm-3pm, can’t wait to see you!”
I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again
Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim’s nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he’s disappeared again.
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
Cop: Admit it! You killed that family
Murderer: You can’t prove anything…
Cop: You know, you’re actually called “Murderer” in this thing
“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that
Essential viewing in these troubled times.
When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch
beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
My kids have trashed the house again but they also reminded me to buy the ice cream which I’m currently eating instead of cleaning the house, so I’ll give them a pass this time
When people ask, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”, I reply “Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy.”
“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
I used to wrap all of my teen brother’s Christmas gifts in Victoria’s Secret boxes, which was a great conversation starter when he had friends over.
I don’t think my car can fly
Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
Boss: Why were you late today?
Me: *flashes back to standing motionless in my closet staring at my clothes for 20 mins*
Me: Traffic.
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.
charcuterie boards are great bc where else can you consume thousands of calories worth of a mysterious cheese you keep eating bc you can’t figure out if you like it or not
This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”
Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer
Cop: Please get out of the vehicle
Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.
Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?
Me: It depends on how they were raised…
Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
Goodnight moon, goodnight stars, goodnight perfectly normal Purple Rain album cover where Prince’s eyes follow u across the room
Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.
The options really are this bad
This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.