me: [putting socks on after sex]
her: now you have two pairs on
*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”
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Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”
Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.
[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”
For some reason, sloths climb down out of the trees to defecate, about once a week.
Imagine how frustrating it must be when they forget to bring their phones.
I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it
When the Visa bill comes and your wife asks what are the 5 OnlyFans charges each month, just tell her they are for your Fantasy Sports Leagues.
Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam
HER: it’s so romantic when the power goes out
ME: listen if we don’t eat all this ground beef we’ll have to throw it out
I want my tombstone to read:
Don’t feel too bad, he really liked sleeping