6: I hate corona virus!
Me: When it’s over you’ll have to wake up early to get to school on time.
6: I DON’T WANT IT TO BE OVER!
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*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “I think I’m gay”
Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
I think my 2 year old is behind the Netflix algorithm. He’s like “Because I liked being carefully tossed up in the air by my dad, I might also enjoy running headfirst into this doorframe”.
I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.
Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.
everyone has that one prude friend
Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
10: Dad, what’s the opposite of “discombobulated?”
Husband:
Me, yelling from the kitchen: You don’t know, do NOT say “combobulated!”
Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl
*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again
You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.
Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
[funeral]
Her: why is my dead grandfather wearing a diamond ring?
*sliding it off his finger*
Me: *gets down on one knee* because babe…
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
Breaking news:
I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.
A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.
Did I just say that out loud?
How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.
dude it’s called proctologist
can’t stop thinking about the time my husband said my hair looked nice “like a waterfall in the front & a velociraptor in the back”
Start a lawnmower upside down and you have a personal helicopter
What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
Once it’s in the oven I don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.
[inventing colonization]
britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable
HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.