6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher
Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?
6: Chick-fil-A
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anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot
A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.
Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.
[First day as a waiter]
Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?
Me: duh cow’s can’t fly you idiot
For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.
What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir
me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted
The best part about shopping at Trader Joes is that the cashier reacts to every item they scan like you came up with it and grew it yourself
“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.
*calls boss*
Me: I can’t come to work.
Boss: Why not?
Me: Gotham city needs me.
Boss: …You’re not Batman.
Me: Oh, yes, yes, exaaaactly.
Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.
Girl: I dumped my last boyfriend cause he always gave short answers. I never knew what he was thinking. That’s so annoying, right?
Me: Word
My 5yo woke up early this morning and was playing very quietly because he didn’t want to wake grandpa. I’d never seen anything like it! Apparently all my son needed to play quietly was an adult in the house that he respected.
*sees oven left on
“What moron left the oven on!?”
*tries repeatedly to turn it off
“WTF!? Stupid oven!”
*realizes 425 is the time
[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s
left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird
Nine: There’s safety in numbers
Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*
Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.
Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
SUPER DANCE OFF??
Cop: OH YEAH
OH YEAH?
Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.
oh no
I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.
me: [buying $2 ice cream with $100 bill] is this enough?
cnn: [mashing calculator] oh gosh it’s gonna be close
“tell me doc, is it bad news?”
“you’ve got piles”
…
“piles of health that is! LOL”
…
“except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those”
Toaster: Things are getting hot…. real hot, I’m getting close.
Me:
Toaster: Ahhhhhh!!!! I popped…
Me: I don’t think I really want that waffle anymore.
Having a lot of conversations where I sigh heavily and say “Yeah I just don’t think enough people are prepared for the possibility that this may never really end” except no one knows I’m talking about the chicken sandwich wars
I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.