6: I’m done.

Me: you didn’t even touch your food!

6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*

The Sass is strong with this one

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If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.


Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.


How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?


OK. Hear me out. We are acquiring way too many of these and you’re not good at keeping them dusted anyway. So, let’s just dump EVERYONE’S cremated remains into this big one and clear up some table space.


When a girl comes over for a date, I make sure I leave a hammer and measuring tape on the counter so she doesn’t suspect that I watch Glee


Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?


6: Can I have a baby sister?

Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you canโ€™t choose so the baby might be a boy.

6: Then can I have a turtle?


Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner

Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day


I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head