6: I’m hungry
Me: Well it’s almost dinner time so no snacks right now
6: If it’s almost dinner why aren’t you in the kitchen?
Husband: Oh no
You Might Also Like
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
I’m white, but not “gets eaten by a shark” white.
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep
Gross if literal…Liverpool
whelp that’s enough instagram for today
me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing
psychic: *whispers* seance
me: ance
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down
Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?
[goes up to girl after symphony concert] Hey girl, you sounded real good tonight. I’m a huge fan of the…*looks at her clarinet*…e-cig.
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
One of my favorite scientific discoveries in recent years is that among domesticated animals, dogs recognize the difference between themselves and people, but cats just think the people who live with them are terrible incompetent cats
“wfh”
what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?
If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.
can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.
M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.
Thanks to a fan for this one!
Was thrilled 2 weeks ago to find a mug actually large enough for my morning coffee fix
I just noticed a label on the bottom today
It’s a soup bowl
I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.
Him: I’m so high right now…no one has ever been so high
Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*
Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*
Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*
Me: How are you?
Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?Me: I can and do.
If I’m wrongly accused of a crime, I’m going to prison. I’m way too introverted to have an alibi.
*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no