6: Is google a number? My friend told me it was
Me: No buddy, it’s not, your friend doesn’t know anything
Husband: Actually, googol IS a number so who’s the one who doesn’t know any-
Me:
H: Your mom is very smart
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Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.
Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.
A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one
Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…
Weird.
an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down
me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
every time we see a couple with a big age gap, my girlfriend goes “ugh what do they even have in common???” and it’s like, idk, maybe that they’re both getting extremely judgmental voicemails from every member of their family
*first day as zookeeper
(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”
My boss has a rather shrill phone voice. I once spent 20m talking to him, before realizing it was actually someone trying to send us a fax.
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
He was a man of peace…until they burned down his village. Now, the quest for vengeance has turned him into…A Man Of Burning Things Down
REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?
ME: I did not realize that had started.
I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today
Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work
I recently learned that German Chocolate Cake is made with coconuts. Not everyone likes coconuts. Not one person at the party we were at liked that cake I got. Especially not my wife, whose birthday we were celebrating.
Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.
-Me: [Turns off the light, finally gets to sleep]
– Brain: Wait. Who the hell closes the bus door when the driver’s out?
There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.
haha, we all make mistakes. for example, i ate some oysters that i found in the hotel hallway & now i can see my ancestors
Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”
Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?
Niece: *screeching like a Valkyrie*
Me: *wasted, drunk-whispering which is just yelling*
Dad: *lecturing someone*
Sister: *bickering with husband*
FAMILY FEUD Host: THIS ISN’T HOW THIS WORKS!
Me: *throat-punches him*
I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.