@jdforshort

6 made coffee for me this morning, I’m now thinking that she can never move out of the house

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@OllyiConic

interviewer: why’d you leave your last job

me: i heard a loud noise

interviewer: wow what was it

me: my boss yelling get out you’re fired

@misfarber

Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?

I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful

@webofevil

Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.

@meganamram

“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear

@slennonhugs

I’m a simple man *bites a pinecone* I enjoy simple things *tosses a gun into a lake* that’s why I decided to let these bees live in my skull

@jellybnbonanza

Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”

Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”

Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”

@HomeProbably

I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.

I don’t care, the spider’s dead.

@darksidedeb

You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.

@Try2StopME

*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*

You’re free now

@serendipitydon1

“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”

~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.