
Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
6 made coffee for me this morning, I’m now thinking that she can never move out of the house
Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
ME: There’s a dead fly in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: There’s a dead fly in a tiny burning longboat in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: A cricket bard sings his spirit into the next world
WAITER: Yes
ME: My compliments to the chef
“Today’s special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters…”
BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday
COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off
ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
My Boss called me immature today so I gave him a wedgie and made fun of his ugly family.
Gf: on a scale from 1-10, how annoyed are you with me right now?
Me: 8
Gf: I can do better than that
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
Saw a guy with a barcode tattoo on his neck. Scanned it with my RedLaser app & he couldn’t believe I found him cheaper on 3 online stores
KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.