6 made coffee for me this morning, I’m now thinking that she can never move out of the house

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Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?


ME: There’s a dead fly in my soup


ME: There’s a dead fly in a tiny burning longboat in my soup


ME: A cricket bard sings his spirit into the next world


ME: My compliments to the chef


“Today’s special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters…”


BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday

COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off

ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day


For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.


My Boss called me immature today so I gave him a wedgie and made fun of his ugly family.


Gf: on a scale from 1-10, how annoyed are you with me right now?

Me: 8

Gf: I can do better than that


Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.

Dracula: You can’t be serious.


Saw a guy with a barcode tattoo on his neck. Scanned it with my RedLaser app & he couldn’t believe I found him cheaper on 3 online stores


KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?

ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.