Thanks for telling me to take some ibuprofen for my headache, hotshot. If we’re ever in an apocalypse and need a doctor, I’m nominating you!
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My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me 🙁
I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
me: so what do you do?
date: I work with animals
me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun
5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?
Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question
The police get mad at you if you try to marry a squirrel. Even if you’re pretty sure it’s a girl squirrel.
Damn boy, are you my yoga class? Because I want to get hot and sweaty with you in 37 different poses and then not be able to walk tomorrow.
sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online
“I’d hit that!” — me gazing at rock bottom
People ask me the secret of a good tweet. It’s called “proof-reading”. Perhaps you’ve hard of it