@bakehadley

6. me as a lawyer

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@underchilde

Thanks for telling me to take some ibuprofen for my headache, hotshot. If we’re ever in an apocalypse and need a doctor, I’m nominating you!

@LeonEarlgrey

I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.

@GoodZiIIa

me: so what do you do?

date: I work with animals

me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun

@DadZZZasleep

5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?

Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question

@EvilSchwartzie

The police get mad at you if you try to marry a squirrel. Even if you’re pretty sure it’s a girl squirrel.

@OhSweetCharity

Damn boy, are you my yoga class? Because I want to get hot and sweaty with you in 37 different poses and then not be able to walk tomorrow.

@Kristen_Arnett

sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online

@specialhug

People ask me the secret of a good tweet. It’s called “proof-reading”. Perhaps you’ve hard of it